Back
I turned 18 in October and finished my last year of high school mid November. Then I did absolutely nothing until i had to do my Uni exams, during the first 3 days of December. Now i gotta wait for my results until January and then do my internship that will last until i go into uni.
None of this has been easy on my mental health. I've been doing either too much or too little. My brain tells me i need to keep doing "too much" to keep up with my age and time that i have left before uni. I want to work. I started sending out my cv to different companies yesterday, but it'll take a while before anyone answers. I only have one month free left. And i need money, because Christmas is coming and i have only a little left. But especially because i want to feel useful, like i am actually doing somethig for myself. If that isn't working, then what is it? I know very well that i could do more courses, more project etc etc but it isn't useful until it is. It isn't useful until it brings me money.
I could make websites, but the market is overly saturated... and it is the only tech thing I'm actually decent at.
I only have one month. I don't have time to learn. I could sell stuff on the internet. But I'd need to market it or
nobody is gonna buy. I only have one month. I can't do youtube.
I could go back into streaming, there's still people waiting for me. This is the only way i've ever gained money.
My boyfriend doesn't like it. I don't do nsfw or anything weird but he gets jealous. I don't have wifi,
only mobile internet and gb run out quickly when streaming.
I could make art. I only have my phone, though, and it doesn't turn out right with my finger. I am getting a graphic tablet for christmas. By the 25th. Only five days left of the year. No time. I only have 1 month. I have no ideas anymore. I am not good at anything else.
But, what am i even doing right now?
I only have one free month. For myself. One month that i can do anything i want. Yet i am so desperate
trying to find a new source of stress for my brain instead of relazing. I need to be productive, i need to gain experience. I need to be able to do things.
I am 18 now. It is not acceptable to stay here doing nothing. It isn't. What am i supposed to do? I genuinely don't know
Where is my worth if i am not... actively doing something?
Because that's what life is for me. Continously doing things until you can't. I am so exhausted.
I genuinely don't want to just lay around just because i didn't get a job. I am so scared of life.
I don't know what is there left for me anymore. I don't know where my place is. Where i am not the imposter.
I just want to belong, and feel useful for once...
I don't see the point of life any other way